There is a special place in the Here After reserved for those deemed worthy of an exercise in futility and frustration for all eternity. In this place, the person (or persons) are taken into a small, unpainted room, sat at a small table on which there is nothing but a bottomless pad of paper, a pen that never runs out of ink and a magic, constantly-changing colour wheel.
Let’s call this poor soul, “Bill”.
In walks Beelzebub (or Satan or the Tooth Fairy Gone Bad or whatever evil entity haunts you in your worst nightmares).
After a friendly introduction, the smirking Evil Entity says, “Bill, your task is to get this room painted.”
Bill is relieved. “That’s not so bad!”
“Not so fast. First you have to choose the colours.”
“That’s not so bad.”
“Not so fast. Thanks to permutations and combinations and other tricks up my evil sleeve, there is an endless number of possibilities.”
“Boy, this could take some time. I better get started.”
“Not so fast. Before you choose those colours, you need to name them.”
“You mean like ‘red’?”
“No, no, no. Look, what colour is my tail?”
“Why, it’s red, of course!”
“No, Bill. It is Million Dollar Red, Benjamin Moore number 2003-10.
“Million Dollar Red? Who wants a million dollars in the red?”
Evil Entity smirks. “I know. It’s kind of an inside joke. Well, Bill, I must be off. And as soon as you have this room painted, you’re free to go, as well.”
While this scenario is just a pigment of my imagination, the living Hell is not. I have been in it, not in the Here After, but in the Here and Now.
Welcome to Hell on earth.
I have been choosing colours for five rooms and the adjoining two hallways. The process has tarnished the way I view the world and given everything its own unique patina. The blue Danube? No, no. no. Blue Danube (2062-30) looks more gray than blue and nothing like the river we know and love. Instead, the Danube could best be described on some days as Toronto Blue (2060-40), perhaps named to reflect the colour of Toronto’s hockey team, the Maple Leafs; a team destined for all eternity to never again win the Stanley Cup. The truth is, maple leaves turn many colours. Blue is not one of them. Where was Beelzebub when we needed him?
Other days the Blue Danube takes on a the look of Sailor’s Sea Blue (2030-40) despite it being a river not a sea. And we all know most days the Blue Danube looks anything but blue. The term “Brown Danube” doesn’t have a flattering a ring to it so perhaps it is best to fall back on a selection from our seemingly endless colour chips. Mudslide (2095-40) seems to work and, as it turns out, has some truth to it. But would Johann Strauss have been inspired to create the “Mudslide Danube”?
You could not be criticized if during your colour quest, your mind wanders a bit. You glance out the window and notice the sky has turned grey and while some naively believe every cloud has a silver lining, according to Benjamin Moore, it is not grey but Silver Fox (2108-50). Hmmmm. Silver Fox. Didn’t I date one of those once?
And fifty shades of grey? I should be so lucky. There are hundreds of them.
Our American friends can no longer refer to Old Glory as the ‘red, white and blue” but more accurately, the Bonfire, Mayonnaise and Serenata (2001-20, OC 84 and AF-535, respectively). Try writing a song with those words in your lyrics.
Some of you may think this choosing colour business is fun and be Tequila Lime (2028-30) with envy. I tell you it’s a curse. I can’t look at anything any more the way I used used to.
Snow white? Doesn’t exist. Disney must own it because it doesn’t show in my choice of colours. The closest I can see is Simply White (OC-117) but somehow “Simply White and the Seven Dwarfs” starts to sound more appropriate for the Klu Klux Klan than it does mothers and children.
Everything has changed. Songs I used to enjoy are now tarnished and altered forever. Gone is the comfort of music of my youth. We all live in a Sundance (2022-50) Submarine, once a delightful, Ringo Starr, beer-drinking ditty that now sinks to the bottom of a Bermuda Blue (2061-40) sea. In a few months Shopping Mall Christmas will be upon us and I cringe at the thought of dreaming of a Cotton Ball (OC 122) Christmas, or listening to Bing Crosby, hearing not “Silver Bells”, but Cement Grey (2112-60) Bells.
If nothing else, this colourful exercise has taught me to mend my ways lest I end up in purgatory and a perpetual pursuit of elusive colours with shady names.
As I write this, I look up to the old Cream Froth (2158-70) walls I had intended to re-paint and I think I will leave them just the way they are, Oklahoma Wheat (2160-50) be damned.
Three Years on Mars 
Great post! Been there trying to paint walls white…to decorated with vibrant pictures. Choices…satin, latex, matte, high gloss, italian ice, frost, shimmer, Irish lace, princess…I think I’ll just wash my walls.